My Pet Hanger, Stan, and How I Lost My Brain!

     Today was ridiculous. Not ridiculous in a, “duuuuude, this wave is totally ridiculously rad!”, but more in a “why is this ridiculous spike sticking into my head while I run around in circles with only socks on?” Exactly. My post will make as much sense as the preceding sentence.

     The day started off innocently enough. I woke up early and hit the trail for my first hike in what feels like forever!

We had a beautiful, 70 degree hike down the hill.
On the way, we saw a DEER!
I was understandably excited.
     The hike was quite intense, and I felt that the best way to refuel would be to hit up an Indian buffet and get a ridiculous amount of food. This ridiculous is the good type.
Spicy chicken vindaloo, chicken tikka masala, veggie-punch-in-the-face-it’s-so-spicy dish, and fried green somethings. It was all amazing, as were the two pieces of garlic naan I used to scoop up all the sauce. AND the gajar halwa (carrot-butter pudding) I had after.
     Then came work. I was scheduled for a full shift, and had to work until 11pm. ELEVEN PEE EM! It all began to go downhill around 5pm. Vicky and I headed out to Paciugo to get hopped up on sugar, and discovered that Paciugo is now offering even MORE opportunities to get free gelato!
PACIUGO PASSAPORTO!!! I got a small with amaretto chocolate chip, rocky road, and peanut butter cookies ‘n milk. Tomorrey, we’ll explore the innards of the passport. It’s extremely amazing!
     About two hours later, I was really starting to lose it. There were no customers in the store, and even fewer employees (“But that’s impossible!” you say!) and I decided it was time for me to adopt a lonely hanger that had ended up at my counter, abandoned by the evil consumer who ripped it from its shirt-brother and discarded it like an empty plastic hanger.
Everyone, meet Stan. Stan, everyone.
And yes, I realize that by now I had completely lost it.
No, I think HERE was where I’d completely lost it.
Vicky was frightened, but she learned to accept Stan for what he is. This is why I love her.
     Vicky, Stan and I headed upstairs for the employee potluck lunch. This lunch consisted of fried chicken, barbeque chips and Coke®. It hurt. So good. After we’d parted ways (Vicky and me, not Stan and me), I received a text message from Malachi. Our insane brain-candy conversation follows:
Malachi: Boo i’m feeling antsy and all my friends are unavailable and it’s saturday night and dan took the car so now i’m just going to sit here doing nothing which i already did all day SON OF A BALLS thanks for letting me vent.
Me: I’m at work till 11pm and i made friends with a hanger and named him stan and took pictures of him for my blog which i will post at 1am.
Malachi: Sounds like you’ve already reached madness. Save me a seat, i’ll be there soon as well.
Malachi again: I’m drowning my sorrows in pepsi and the economist.
Me: I have coke. Not the good coke either. Soda form, not powder. (Disclaimer: I do not use/condone drug use. They will drain the blood from your body and replace it with swamp water and you will die slowly and painfully. So don’t do them!)
Malachi: Ugh. You could always dehydrate the coke, distill it to powder form, and shoot that up your nose.
Me: I need a quick fix idea, not scientific conundrums that take weeks to execute.
Malachi: You can’t rush good science. And every druggie has the rigors of the scientific method to thank.
Me: My problem must be that my addiction isn’t so intense that i appreciate the rigoroditty of the process.
Malachi: As Newton said, and Einstein agreed, ‘rigoraditty is the keystone of scientoriousness’. (Malachi, you misspelled rigoroditty. LAME!)
Me: What is easier to make fun of… A comatose ninja, a comatose pirate, or a small child with ADHD whom you fuel with soda, then tie to a chair and throw popcorn at? (Before you hate me for being an evil child abuser, please remember that I have at this point befriended a hanger and might not be all there…)
Malachi: You are past madness. You are traversing space, time, universe.
Me: There is nothing wrong with desiring to throw puffy food stuffs at children. (See guys, I didn’t recommend we throw anvils at them or anything!)
Malachi: …textual silence…
     This correspondence occupied a good half hour of my time, in which I sauntered around the dark, empty mall and got a makeover a la Vicky. I then proceeded to sprint around the dark, empty mall, pretending to be chased my extremely short zombies, and ended my spazz-out with a cup of lemon pudding cake.
CAKE IN A CUP! And some patriotic mints!
     I apologize if this post has traumatized you in any way. These spazz-outs may occur once in awhile, especially if I’m forced to work insane hours with only a hanger to talk to.
     On a semi-normal note:
I FOUND ME THE PUMPKIN ALE!!!
I shall imbibe tomorrey evening after…work. Le sigh.

8 Comments

Filed under buffet, cake in a cup, DEER, gelato, hanger, hike, Indian Food, Paciugo, potluck, Stan

8 Responses to My Pet Hanger, Stan, and How I Lost My Brain!

  1. Amanda (Two Boos Who Eat)

    I love everything about this post. Especially pumpkin ale! LOVE IT!

    And that indian food looks sooo good. YUM!

  2. Malachi Rempen

    I'll have to remember that our correspondence is subject to publishing…at least I always rigorodittaly self-proofread.

  3. Anonymous

    Best blog post ever! =)

  4. Bexter

    @Amanda (Two Boos Who Eat)
    Just a preview for when you come to try the indian place with me 🙂 You'll love it!

  5. Bexter

    @Malachi Rempen
    Your proofreading could use some conformulating adjustments…

  6. Bexter

    @Anonymous
    I completely agree 😀

  7. Heather

    I never have any insane textual conversations like that. 🙁

  8. Pingback: Beer Tasting: Pilsner | Bites 'n Brews

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