Lost in a Silent Ballet

     Title is an Owl City reference. Did you get it? If you did, you win! If you didn’t just go buy the album, okay?

     Today was an awful day. Have you ever had one of those? There was no specific reason, everything was just overwhelming to me. Customers were impatient and mean, certain coworkers were jerks who kept calling everyone “jerks”, and it was a beautiful Saturday and I was at work. Need I say more?

I think I’ll blame the fact that I had no Green Monster in the morning.
I’m not saying my breakfast wasn’t wonderful – it was! I had an omelette with 2 eggs, the last few pieces of spinach that were edible, 2 teaspoons of chopped sun-dried tomatoes and 2 teaspoons of goat cheese. De-lish!
     I got to work feeling very subdued, despite my mug and a half of coffee, so I ran out and grabbed another cup, plus a mini-muffin to keep my energy up.
Okay, so this muffin is only mini by American standards. I was just in a horrible mood and needed some chocolate comfort. Note to self: this does NOT fix bad moods!
     After my monster coffee – Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf makes coffee by adding 9,392 shots of espresso to one ounce of water (estimation on my part), I got the shakes. This coffee seriously made my heartbeat RACE and almost sent me into a panic attack! I was sweating bullets and couldn’t catch a full breath of air. I’m definitely sticking to my home-brewed coffee from now on!
     Lunch rolled around and I was still feeling sick and miserable from my mid-morning snack, so I took my book outside and read for an hour. My daily vitamin-D requirement was met via sunshine.
     The minutes crept by, then after 293 hours (another estimation on my part), it was finally time to clock out, so I made a quick purchase to brighten my day, and headed out.
I got a set of beer glasses!!! I’ve heard that having the correct type of glass can enhance the taste of the beer that’s poured into them, and now I can appreciate the beer to its fullest extent!
     I didn’t have the patience to hand-wash these quite yet…
An Old Rasputin did the trick, even if it wasn’t the correct glass.
     Dinner was a dairy-free Chicken Divan (Chi-Ken Dee-Vahn). Baked, shredded chicken, broccoli, a homemade “creamless cream of chicken soup”- (check back tomorrow for the recipe), and curry, baked until golden brown on top.
Don’t diss it until you’ve tried it! It’s a truly healthy comfort food!
I was invited to go out tonight, but was in such a foul mood that I didn’t want to inflict it upon any innocent bystanders, so I sat out back and sipped my brew with a lovely city view.
I am floating away…
     I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, trying to figure out my life. At heart, I really am a small-town girl, and, at the moment, I don’t think LA is my true calling. I used to get excited every time I went to set to film at 5am, headed to a class or got called out for an audition, but lately I feel like my heart has been pulling me in a different direction. I’m going to give myself another month or two of acting focus: which basically means I’m going to scour the breakdowns, film and submit for every single role that fits me. The only times I seem to get called in for a role is after I send in a filmed audition – my pictures just don’t seem to be working anymore (which sucks because I JUST got new ones), and I think if I work my ass off and determine my submission:audition ratio, this will help me decide where I’m headed.
     If I go through these next two months and still feel myself at a stand-still, well, we’ll see what happens then. Who knows where I may end up? I’ve felt a calling from Ventura, a place I’ve always loved, or Northern California in a small town where there are people who are more down-to-earth like me, who love to be out hiking, biking, camping, brewing and EATING, and I’d love to find a church that I’m excited to attend every Sunday (i.e. with people my age!).
     For now, I’ll trust that God has a plan for me, and if I keep leaning on Him (which seems to be all I can do lately – I feel like I have no strength or direction of my own), He’ll eventually guide me to my true calling. I apologize if this has been a bummer post, but since almost no one reads it, I’ve decided to treat this post as my journal.
Trust in Him and keep your eyes on the stars!
Or the pretty Christmas-y lights 🙂


Filed under Bummer, Cider, guidance, lost, night view, Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout, omelette, stars

10 Responses to Lost in a Silent Ballet

  1. Daisy

    I'm so sorry it was a bummer of a day! I hate those. Seems like you have the right mindset and with that things can only fall into place for you!

  2. Chef Dennis

    sorry you had a bad day, but all we can do is the best we can do…..sometimes thats not what we want to here, and sometimes it just comes down to being in the right place at the right time, and that pretty much just comes down to fate and what God has planned for us….someone once said if you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans…
    I hope tomorrow is a better day, you sound like you certainly deserve one
    All the best

  3. Anonymous

    I heart you!

  4. Bexter

    Bummer days are necessary sometimes, I think. I worked through a lot last night and had an amazing day today :).

  5. Bexter

    @Chef Dennis
    I've always loved that quote! My day was a million times better, and I think the mental torment actually was good for me! Thanks so much for the wonderful comment :)!

  6. Bexter

    I heart you too 🙂

  7. Justin

    I hope you’re having a better day, Becki. We all have those days and sometimes a little “me” time is in order. I’m glad to see that you did take “me” time. That view is amazing; I’m so jealous! What city is that in the background?
    I love chicken divan although I add French's fried onions on top. Yea, probably not the best thing for you, but it tastes soo good. 😛

    As for the future, I think your plan is pretty good. You need to find what your calling is and find something you truly love to do. When you do something you truly love, then it doesn’t feel like work. I’m still trying to discover what I really want to do. As for the audition process, it’s all about the numbers. The more you submit the better chances of getting a call back. It’s basically a numbers game or at least how I see it. I like your idea about the submission:audition ratio. Also it might be good to organize them into categories. A category could be the type of the character role, etc. This way you can somewhat find trends within that data and help you find your niche. You can then use that data and focus more time and energy on submissions that falls into that niche. Hopefully this will increase your submission to audition ratio. 🙂

    I, too, believe that God has a plan for me and I have faith in him that he will help me find my way.

    P.S I finally tried Franziskaner! That’s some good stuff! 🙂 I went to a bar that specialized in belgium beers for my friend’s birthday party. 200+ different beers! I recommend that you try “St. Bernardus abt 12” and “Gulden Draak”! Let know that you think about them.

  8. the actor's diet

    sorry you had a bad day. and re: the latter part of your post, we've all been there. i always say to go where your heart tells you – acting will ALWAYS be there, despite what this town has you think. do what's good for you NOW.

  9. Bexter

    LOVE Gulden Draak 🙂 I'll have to find the St. Bernardus and give it a try soon!

  10. Bexter

    @the actor's diet
    I'm finally realizing that :). I think I've been putting other parts of life on hold to focus on acting alone, and I'm slowly learning to balance everything. Slowly… 🙂